you expect me to smile
to be of service to you
play the game, give you what you want
what you need to see
you don’t even listen to deviations
you ask me how I am
and you insist to stay in your comfort zone
do you know that I am u n c o m f o r t a b l e
when I smile at you
shattered inside, shards in my throat
and you accept that I get cut repeatedly
*
my brother jumped
my brother jumped
my brother jumped
my brother jumped every single day
and I stand here, working
barely keeping my face together
the compulsive smiling serving muscles
that infuriate me
the expectation
that sickening question
dishonest
small talk
my brother jumped
and I felt like the whole world died inside of me
that I died inside of me
something wouldn’t let me
lots of things wouldn’t let me
I didn’t want to
but he jumped
and I couldn’t
wouldn’t
go after him
save him
from what
catch him
(who said he needed to be saved)
is that a tricky thing to say
I would have done a n y t h i n g
but you don’t get to
you don’t have a say
I stand here looking back at you
at your expectation
your request
to be pleasant and easygoing
when you have no idea what is going on
and you don’t want to know
you cannot handle it
I’ve seen it
I’ve studied all your faces
the retreat
where is the closest exit
out of here
out of here
what’s wrong with her
I don’t want to know
I’m good and good and good, how are you
I’ve put my hand on my brother’s deceased hand
I’ve held a body tight
a body that jumped
a dead body that hurt as my own
and I ache
and I ache
and I ache
and I will take it every single day
but don’t you dare expect
don’t you dare be a thief
retrieve and extract
a smile that is not natural and genuine
from me
I am standing in the red hot valley of my brother’s death
Croque-Melpomene 