Totenlied | grimacecomfort | disregarding your etiquette | a poem, stomachfall

you expect me to smile

to be of service to you

play the game, give you what you want

what you need to see

you don’t even listen to deviations

you ask me how I am

and you insist to stay in your comfort zone

do you know that I am u n c o m f o r t a b l e

when I smile at you

shattered inside, shards in my throat

and you accept that I get cut repeatedly

*

my brother jumped

my brother jumped

my brother jumped

my brother jumped every single day

and I stand here, working

barely keeping my face together

the compulsive smiling serving muscles

that infuriate me

the expectation

that sickening question

dishonest

small talk

my brother jumped

and I felt like the whole world died inside of me

that I died inside of me

something wouldn’t let me

lots of things wouldn’t let me

I didn’t want to

but he jumped

and I couldn’t

wouldn’t

go after him

save him

from what

catch him

(who said he needed to be saved)

is that a tricky thing to say

I would have done a n y t h i n g

but you don’t get to

you don’t have a say

I stand here looking back at you

at your expectation

your request

to be pleasant and easygoing

when you have no idea what is going on

and you don’t want to know

you cannot handle it

I’ve seen it

I’ve studied all your faces

the retreat

where is the closest exit

out of here

out of here

what’s wrong with her

I don’t want to know

I’m good and good and good, how are you

I’ve put my hand on my brother’s deceased hand

I’ve held a body tight

a body that jumped

a dead body that hurt as my own

and I ache

and I ache

and I ache

and I will take it every single day

but don’t you dare expect

don’t you dare be a thief

retrieve and extract

a smile that is not natural and genuine

from me

I am standing in the red hot valley of my brother’s death

Photo by u0410u043bu0435u043au043au0435 u0411u043bu0430u0436u0438u043d on Pexels.com

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