a monster’s girl | antidotewoman | languageful | a poem against vampires

you brought me up

by teaching me

that I lacked everything

*

and when I succeeded nevertheless

you claimed me as your property

*

and with the recession of applause

you resigned as well

and I’d be a child again

raising herself in abandonment

*

you turned grey zones

into bright red zones

*

I degenerated in the grey zones

where n o t h i n g ever happened

and everything could always be denied

*

if you could turn me inside out

you’d see the traces that they left behind

*

every time they threatened me to be silent and obedient

I told myself that everything they’d store in my body

would be hollered and written back into the world

*

I shrank and corseted myself into the reactive body of a doll

that parroted everything you craved to hear

that opened her mouth when you desired her to

pressured her to

you’d get on your knees

hearing the nasty words coming out of her face

and thought you knew her inside out

but you could never live up to her

and what she wanted from you

and so it was easier to bypass who she truly was

and take the shiny surface

the simple silhouette

the apertures

and do what you do what you do what you do

*

I was always out of line

you could never handle it

*

you don’t speak you hissed

you’re a secret you barked

you’re free to perform

but you’ll keep your mouth shut

*

I’ve studied violent men unleash themselves

my whole life as if I had grown up in a zoo without cages

*

I knew what you were capable of

but I didn’t know yet what I could do

*

you told me all the things I couldn’t do

*

I raised myself in opposition

to every single thing you’ve taught me

and I don’t need anyone’s applause

“Studies of Hands” by Wojciech Gerson (1831–1901)

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