you brought me up
by teaching me
that I lacked everything
*
and when I succeeded nevertheless
you claimed me as your property
*
and with the recession of applause
you resigned as well
and I’d be a child again
raising herself in abandonment
*
you turned grey zones
into bright red zones
*
I degenerated in the grey zones
where n o t h i n g ever happened
and everything could always be denied
*
if you could turn me inside out
you’d see the traces that they left behind
*
every time they threatened me to be silent and obedient
I told myself that everything they’d store in my body
would be hollered and written back into the world
*
I shrank and corseted myself into the reactive body of a doll
that parroted everything you craved to hear
that opened her mouth when you desired her to
pressured her to
you’d get on your knees
hearing the nasty words coming out of her face
and thought you knew her inside out
but you could never live up to her
and what she wanted from you
and so it was easier to bypass who she truly was
and take the shiny surface
the simple silhouette
the apertures
and do what you do what you do what you do
*
I was always out of line
you could never handle it
*
you don’t speak you hissed
you’re a secret you barked
you’re free to perform
but you’ll keep your mouth shut
*
I’ve studied violent men unleash themselves
my whole life as if I had grown up in a zoo without cages
*
I knew what you were capable of
but I didn’t know yet what I could do
*
you told me all the things I couldn’t do
*
I raised myself in opposition
to every single thing you’ve taught me
and I don’t need anyone’s applause
Croque-Melpomene 