I grew up around boys and men
who knew exactly what they expected and wanted
from my body
without having any knowledge of it at all
I grew up around girls and women
learning and internalising
e v e r y t h i n g
about men’s wants and needs in magazines,
studying them like bibles
against their own bodies
*
you waited for the wounds you inflicted
to kick in, to become visible, turn sour,
so that you could gorge on them,
stare at them in your museum
but you became enraged
when I didn’t put my body
into the victimmould you built
to restrict it, define it, keep it
under your incessant gaze
*
boys always had so much to say about our bodies
whilst women drowned in shameful silence and compliance
*
I thought of boys my age as cruel
and I knew that men would not say no
to a girl like me
I’ve been taught well
*
fathers raised their daughters
to be devoured by father figures
*
fathers look at me
teachers look at me
I see their thoughts in my mind
and I look back
my father’s mouth
looks at my friends
everything hangs by a thread
*
I was taught that your fantasy was my fantasy
everything beyond that scared you to death, didn’t it
*
that my imagination could be out of your control
*
men had put their images in my head
and boys wouldn’t dare look at me
*
I didn’t stay alone
Croque-Melpomene 