I pretended to not be me

I made myself believe

that I was who they asked me to be

the role that made them like me

the part that put a smile on adults’ faces

the face that took you in

despite the gut screaming no

*

you made me

not listen to my own body

*

I

un-learned

the word

no

from you

*

women were

not supposed

to say no

to you

*

you internalised yes

to such a degree

that a no sounded

unbelievable

*

you taught me

that what I say

doesn’t mean anything

it

can

only

get

me

killed

*

I am sick of their faces

the disintegration

the degeneration

I am growing old against them

*

I unbury the past

so that I can name the graves

*

if only I would stand as firmly behind

all the actions of my past

as I stand behind my poetry

*

you don’t deserve the big picture

*

nobody knows my mistakes better than I do

and I decide what makes them mistakes

*

do you think that I need your conscience instead of mine?

*

where do we stand now

you and I

*

I don’t know how to approach

a liar who believes in his own lies

*

and thinks I’m insane

for taking a step back

*

in your head

there’s only one perspective

and it has never been more than that

and yet you invite me over

and lock the door

*

you thought you were so smart

acting like my father

“Interior with Young Man Reading” by Vilhelm Hammershøi (1864-1916)

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