I pretended to not be me
I made myself believe
that I was who they asked me to be
the role that made them like me
the part that put a smile on adults’ faces
the face that took you in
despite the gut screaming no
*
you made me
not listen to my own body
*
I
un-learned
the word
no
from you
*
women were
not supposed
to say no
to you
*
you internalised yes
to such a degree
that a no sounded
unbelievable
*
you taught me
that what I say
doesn’t mean anything
it
can
only
get
me
killed
*
I am sick of their faces
the disintegration
the degeneration
I am growing old against them
*
I unbury the past
so that I can name the graves
*
if only I would stand as firmly behind
all the actions of my past
as I stand behind my poetry
*
you don’t deserve the big picture
*
nobody knows my mistakes better than I do
and I decide what makes them mistakes
*
do you think that I need your conscience instead of mine?
*
where do we stand now
you and I
*
I don’t know how to approach
a liar who believes in his own lies
*
and thinks I’m insane
for taking a step back
*
in your head
there’s only one perspective
and it has never been more than that
and yet you invite me over
and lock the door
*
you thought you were so smart
acting like my father
Croque-Melpomene 