It’s hard to believe that your voice is no more.
It’s in my head, it resonates. Forever?
I consider it a part of me. The way it sounded.
The tone, the substance and softness.
I turn myself inside-out here.
I am so vulnerable. And I feel you there.
I am setting boundaries.
I give you space and time in daylight.
You need to understand me.
I don’t want to be scared.
This love hurts as well.
I need to find ways to make it grow in healthy ways.
I am exploring. Figuring out what works, what feels right.
Anything can feel fertile.
I want to step into the sane traces, rays of hope.
There are times when I live and what happened
Then your face reappears and I’m right back in the disappearance
Of you, right back on track where I lost you
In a form that can be seen and touched so easily.
I give you light. I hold you.
I know you’re safe and not alone.
I love you. I accept you.
Not a day passes without me speaking to you,
Thinking about you, the way you were,
The way I want to remember you.
No idealisation, no demonisation, pure humanisation.
I find strength in my fragility.
I’m in touch with you.
And it hurts, I ache, I long for your presence
But I cannot walk backwards, step back into the past
That cannot be conquered, everything happened,
And I am here, talking to the wound within me.