I won’t reduce you to ashes.
I won’t say that a part of me
Died with you, was cremated with
You, I won’t, you left an active wound behind,
A separation, wordless, languageless,
That burns in my chest, but I won’t
Succumb to the pain, to the lamentation,
The sitting still, the agonising, not in the long run,
I want to shed the light on what preceded ashes,
I’ve seen the darkness that everybody encounters and I always have,
Stared at it, right at the face, the open mouth,
Face to face, in my left hand I hold the darkness
And in my right (I hold it high) I parade the light.
I am in shock. My body is in shock.
I have cried. I have screamed. I have cursed.
I’ve fallen on my knees. Scratched my chest.
For air. The heart seemed to burst.
The air blasted through my rib cage, my throat.
It is brutal. It is violent. This is an unimaginable grief.
A blow right to the heart. It comes and goes.
You left and I’m here.