In Order To Release: A Poem

Songs take me to you.

They are trying to heal the pain

I’m left with, the abandonment,

Robbed of time, robbed of togetherness,

Body to body, looking at you, hearing you

With my senses, close to me, singing, driving,

Cursing, laughing, oh you made me laugh.

 

We waded through so much pain together,

But we found each other, again.

Did I lose you without knowing it?

When did it happen? Did you squeeze yourself into

A box that was simply too small, too restrictive,

Were you giving up on life with a smile on your face?

Was I that blind?

You shone so brightly, the rest you kept to yourself.

 

You were always golden.

You were always loved.

Through valleys and mountaintops.

No matter what.

I dream that you’re alive.

I dream that you are dead.

I tell myself that you are dead

Because hope raises expectations

That it cannot fulfil here,

I need comfort, I need to seek it within myself,

Do I go where you have been, do I connect to where you are now?

 

You know that I tend to obsess.

I cannot dive in so deeply

And never come up for air,

I have to get out of this agony

Eventually and connect to its opposite

To make it out alive, to keep on living,

Keep on loving and nurturing,

I want you to be free, I need to be free.