scattered | a poem

you blended in with your environment

it took the heart out of your chest

fugitive soul, sunshine lost, parasitic now

as long as you’re in my house, took my breath away

everybody trusts an effortless act in a clean white shirt

socialite, conversationalist, all your forces of enchantment

you take chunk after chunk because you have none left

what you interpret as accusatory defamation

is reconciliatory truth, her mouth wide open, finally

you blended in with your environment to stand still in a figment of peace

but the roof fell on our heads, the heart that was torn

the heart that disappeared, the forces of elimination

and you erred and erred, dead alleys in your mind

the skull too fragile for the wall after wall after wall

predatory minds painted skies auburn red in clean white shirts

in the cards, scar tissue, hadal fingernails, I can’t get you out of there

because I’m in there with you

you never wanted to be alone in your own body

you blended in, tied in, tighter and tighter, blood loss

your body comes closer, your mind drifts away

your mind takes over, your body is ebbing away

necessitous man, I don’t know where you are taking us

and I force myself to not need you

force my childhood to end, to not need you

held on for as long as I could

that was but one side

others saw a woman in me before I did

before I was

an adolescent

grow up

grow up

and there was a voice from a suppressed future

it was one of mine

that said you need to leave

you need to be on your own

and I tore myself to pieces

fragments, everyone got the one they wanted

and I limped and stuttered and mourned

I whispered as I grew older why don’t you come back to me

her name, relinquished, meant something different to different people

unrecognisable, who are you talking about

that doesn’t sound like her

I’ll make it out of the books

you won’t look at me again

the stories they tell

tucked myself away

I ran away before the flood arose

head against the roof

the good I conserved

squeezed between the weight of lettered paper

a flowerbody preserved

skeletal, arrested, past stuck in the present

this is what I looked like

from the outside

or the inside

what did I see

what do you see

Eurydice’s corset sheets

My own drawing © Laura Gentile 2021 | Instagram: @melpomenepaintings

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