loss sits right in front of me
a man at a table in a crowd
a man unknown
a man who looks like you
in one way or another
maybe only I can see it
his face moves, he moves, eats and drinks
stands up, I can barely pull myself together
forget to breathe
he walks, one step, two steps, closer to me
and I see you
your face in your coffin
your body in your coffin
still
harsh
cracked
eyes closed
I don’t understand
something within me doesn’t want to understand
but honestly, I do
I know where my brother is
and that this man is not you
but I see you everywhere
coming towards me
in familiar shapes
projected shapes
and grief erupts within me
anew
as if it had been born just now
memory wiped clean
I stand at the till and watch him eat
I stand there in my uniform
I can’t breathe
I can’t see properly
my tears won’t fall
and customers queue in front of me
and expect me to smile and smile and perform
and I take their order thinking of my brother in his coffin
Croque-Melpomene 