blanketchild | horrormind | crowdream | a poem

I existed in a state of breathlessness

closer to destruction than maintenance

I lived on your breath

which brought mine to a halt

*

she wasn’t the only one

who left traces behind

in her life

and they’d conjure up snowstorms

to erase their pathways and footsteps

and convince her

that they’d never left an imprint

the snow weighing down the crevices

*

you came back to me in a dream

dead crows in the front garden

in the house itself

the furniture

my hand on your bulge

the familiar ragged trousers

careful now

attention, attention

she knew and she saw

but something else seemed more important

more imminent, urgent, pressing,

the superimposition

a new truth on an old truth

the present covering up the past

trying to replace it

exchange the bad for the good

and lie the hurt out of existence

give scars another story

what could she do against him

she created a picture-perfect world

on top of a house of horrors

I’d never forget that I spent time in both

*

he’d pull me in

she’d pull me out

*

where did I exist?

*

she wanted me to be a child

he needed me to be a woman

*

and what she did not want to do

refused to do

trickled down on my head

and she’d try to make it up to me

atone for a lifetime

and I could never put my finger on it

*

she wished herself out of her body

*

s p o i l e d

*

he put his images in my head

and I said them out loud

I was told that something was wrong with me

*

what’s mine?

what’s yours?

*

it took decades to understand

that heroes and heroines

are fallible human beings

they do wrong

even when they know what’s right

don’t we all?

*

and what drove you into me

why did I need to keep my mouth shut

why so vulgar, so depraved

why did they use adult words

and why did I know what they meant

and why didn’t you let go

why did death feel like an alleviation

to a girl like me

*

she looked

and pretended to look away

but my body has always known the truth

because my body has always been the recipient of the truth

My own drawing © Laura Gentile 2021 | Instagram: @melpomenepaintings

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