I existed in a state of breathlessness
closer to destruction than maintenance
I lived on your breath
which brought mine to a halt
*
she wasn’t the only one
who left traces behind
in her life
and they’d conjure up snowstorms
to erase their pathways and footsteps
and convince her
that they’d never left an imprint
the snow weighing down the crevices
*
you came back to me in a dream
dead crows in the front garden
in the house itself
the furniture
my hand on your bulge
the familiar ragged trousers
careful now
attention, attention
she knew and she saw
but something else seemed more important
more imminent, urgent, pressing,
the superimposition
a new truth on an old truth
the present covering up the past
trying to replace it
exchange the bad for the good
and lie the hurt out of existence
give scars another story
what could she do against him
she created a picture-perfect world
on top of a house of horrors
I’d never forget that I spent time in both
*
he’d pull me in
she’d pull me out
*
where did I exist?
*
she wanted me to be a child
he needed me to be a woman
*
and what she did not want to do
refused to do
trickled down on my head
and she’d try to make it up to me
atone for a lifetime
and I could never put my finger on it
*
she wished herself out of her body
*
s p o i l e d
*
he put his images in my head
and I said them out loud
I was told that something was wrong with me
*
what’s mine?
what’s yours?
*
it took decades to understand
that heroes and heroines
are fallible human beings
they do wrong
even when they know what’s right
don’t we all?
*
and what drove you into me
why did I need to keep my mouth shut
why so vulgar, so depraved
why did they use adult words
and why did I know what they meant
and why didn’t you let go
why did death feel like an alleviation
to a girl like me
*
she looked
and pretended to look away
but my body has always known the truth
because my body has always been the recipient of the truth
Croque-Melpomene 