finished with me | girlscent / eaten | a poem

I try to remember how I felt

before people opened me up like a drawer

and took

and took

and t o o k

*

she imagined the best moment of her life

and after it happened

everything collapsed

cards were reshuffled, cards were lost

left the playing field

new best moments

with all withs

with all withouts

*

I try to find the sound of my own voice

in the mouth that plays by your rules

*

what did you do

that made me so afraid

o f

y o u

*

isn’t it convenient for you

that memories are buried

for self-preservation

my body stored us

I know where we lie

I have all the pieces

without the sharp picture

*

you counted on taught suppression

*

y o u

m u s t

h a v e

i m a g i n e d

t h a t

*

hands on his lap

head on his lap

fingers

smell

forcing me to smile

I give in

I break

I can’t hold on

compliance promises to save me

and everything feels false

and adults disappoint me

I give myself

because I want to live

and open up my entire body

saves my soul for last

eyes on me

pieces of me buried everywhere in this house

sold to strangers

the selves you laid your hands on

that didn’t make it out alive

crowned me with your decay

giving birth to myself

giving birth to myself

giving birth to myself

“Head of a girl, turned to the left” by Denys Calvaert (1540-1619)

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