Aren’t You Full Yet? | All I Could Think About | A Poem

I took you in

And I believed that

I had to become like you

With all the things that I wasn’t,

That I didn’t have

And I merely focused

On everything

That was negating who I was

In opposition to you,

I let myself fail and fail

And never learn,

I taught myself a lack of solace,

A continuous self-abuse,

Hearing those voices again,

Negating everything,

And I slept within the skins of madness and jealousy,

Thinking I would never find myself,

I would never find out

Who I was

And what I could do.

You loved that,

You held my hair upright

And paraded my body in the sick admiration

I nurtured for you,

The compliments you inhaled,

My entire vocabulary, my misguided love

On a silver platter

And you’d cut into me,

I exposed myself to you

And you fed yourself to death

Always wanting, needing, forcing more

Out of me, of me,

Until I heard my own name

Ring false in your throat.

“Portrait of a Woman” by Károly Lotz (1833-1904) 

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