The state of loss,
Having lost, having seen the faces of loss,
Having smelled death, preservation, pretence,
Loss, burned into the flesh, into the words
That were spoken, loss sieving through textures,
Faces, again, travelling towards death,
The state of loss, exasperation, wide awake
At night, terrified, the end is the end,
The living deal with death and its arms
Spreading around, is it the throat,
Is it skin, arms, bodies, love or abhorrance,
What is it, running around in circles and rectangles,
Painful, edging, listening to the same songs,
Waking up the past, the past that burns now,
The pulse, bleeding, the love, around the edges,
Trying not to collapse, under the heartache,
The pillows over our faces, enough is enough,
Stop it now, stop it, enjoy your lives,
Smile, you only have one, feathers in our mouths,
Stop it now, stop grieving, I can’t deal with this,
Death and a million open endings,
Flesh in my life, words and language in my life.
Stopped, arrested, warmth turned into cold absent air,
In my body where you were, in my body where you lived,
Death, coming in floods, and I try to swim, stay above water,
Feel you, everywhere, saying okay, yes, I’m here,
I can take it, I can take your will, accept your steps,
Feel your freedom, I don’t know who’s pulling,
Who’s trying to see me drown, trying to give me advice,
Life advice, smelling death, the face, I think your advice
That I do not ask for, is trying to drown me
Claiming to do the opposite, save me, I save myself,
You try to destroy in the name of comradery,
Get away, away with you,
Back to you, now, back to us,
I see videos of you moving, speaking,
I rewatch them and I hear your voice in my memory
Saying, play another song now, don’t hurt yourself like that,
Don’t dig a deeper hole, you always have to find your way out,
One step at a time, take it easy, don’t overdo it,
But what, what, what, were you thinking, feeling,
How could you not be saved, save yourself,
I never refused my help, I have loved you before you were born,
Never would I have turned my back on you, and you know, and
You knew, skin, yours, face yours, the forehead that haunts me,
The temperature, the smell, the open mouth, blood,
Blue, dead, the teeth, I needed to say goodbye,
I saw you, the state of loss, loss in your face,
Lost yourself, in your face, you were gone, in your face,
Gone, there was nothing left, the cold hard broken skin,
The injuries, no, no, no, I needed to say goodbye
And tell your body that you were loved, so loved,
The state of loss, the black car, the coffin, driving you away,
In sheer sunlight, how can this be, meeting fire and ashes the next moment,
And I am here, replaying you, with my phone, writing you still,
You’ll never see the messages, I keep your name at the top of my list.
Croque-Melpomene 