Living With This: A Poem

There are moments

Stones thrown at my stomach

That drain me

Feel like an implosion

Underneath my skin

Your death that is so alive

In my body

Your jump that

Hurts my bones

Your heart that is no more

Its echoes in my brain

The voice

The scent

The smile

Just burn and burn and

Take me straight down to hell

Straight down the bridge

And I want to live

Live with this

I have to

If I want to live

Live with this

Every single day I start myself anew

With this scar I never wanted

This scar I never know you felt

This scar on my body

In my body

That I carry now

Without my consent

The horror sticks

The love sticks

I’m overwhelmed

These images overwhelm me

Disturb me, shocked my system

I am still in this world

That you turned your back on

I am still here

Barely breathing

Without you on my mind

The pit in my stomach

The heat in my stomach

Round and round

I dream please don’t be dead

Please don’t be dead

Please don’t be dead

Your dead face hits me

There it is

The lifeless body of you

On the ground

Where somebody found you

Where somebody picked you up

And I can’t understand

I am bursting, this death tears me apart

Please come back to me, I stop myself there,

I know you’re here, I know what is possible,

But I am alive, you see, I am right within it all

And I will be for as long as I can

So please help me cope with this

I am desperate

You are everywhere

I lost you

I ache

Death came as a choir.

ethnic androgynous man dancing gracefully in studio
Photo by Retha Ferguson on

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