Taking Advantage Of My Coping Mechanisms: A Poem

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I would make you funny.

I wanted to laugh, not cry.

I wanted to pretend for a moment

That nothing bad would happen

When I walked home.

 

I took your violent outbursts

And packaged them as funny

Anecdotes to tell my friends,

To make them laugh, to manage

To make myself laugh, no matter

How much you actually hurt me the

Night before.

 

I stood in a circle surrounded by them

And I would turn you into a comedy.

And when they met you, you used all of

Your charms and they were enchanted,

You flirted without applause, manipulated,

Projected a confidence that was never real,

And they would never believe that you did

What you actually did on a daily basis,

And I realised that I had shot myself in the knee

By trying to tell a story in such a way that I could

Survive the truth within it.

 

I made you funny. Even though I would be the one

Crying, feeling beaten and exhausted, helpless, alone,

With you, the night before I would meet my friends the next day.

And pretend that you make me laugh, that you don’t hurt me at all.

All they could remember and believe was the smile on your face.

What you did to me became a joke, a truth that no one took seriously,

I didn’t, I thought I had to laugh my way out, but I cried my way in.

person buttoning white shirt
Photo by Rene Asmussen on Pexels.com

 

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