I wanted you to leave me alone.
I was too insecure, too fractured
And afraid to tell you off, to ban you
From my life with words. I used actions.
But you still haunted me, chased me.
You didn’t want to understand all that
Stagnant pain between the lines.
You determined and dominated our
Relationship with oppressive bold lettering,
There was no space to breathe or to exist,
Or whisper and ask for the exits.
You left me in a room filled with smoke.
You needed all women to bow before you,
Bend their knees, bend over, totally, addicted,
To you, and the nothingness that you offer
Behind the intoxicating veil of your superficial charms.
You were the bad lesson that took too long
To learn, to sink in properly.
I forgot all about myself with your hands on me.
As if they always rested on my throat.
And you liked that. That says it all. I performed.
My body in shards. I believed the fantasy that
We sold to each other. I fooled myself. And my body.
Your violence towards women had always been subliminal.
Hidden behind a smile. You categorised women according to
Their use to you, they became verbs in the past tense,
Their names only mattered when they made your list.
You always pretended that you didn’t cheat and lie,
That you weren’t exerting your violence, that you
Could actually love, that you cared, that you weren’t manipulative.
You coerced her into doing things she didn’t want to do.
You made her commit whilst you didn’t.
You made her feel guilty about the most insignificant things.
If she couldn’t or wouldn’t have sex with you, you pressured her,
Seduced her into compliance, period or not, you’d never care,
About her discomfort, or you would simply pick another
Girl to suck you off so that you could go back to her, to sleep
Next to her in peace.
Whoever had been put on your list
Had to be available to you at all times.
And when these girls and women cried their eyes and lungs
Out behind your back or in front of you, you’d make them
Believe that they were the crazy ones, that they were exaggerating,
Dramatising, that they should get a grip, that you would never do this
(You would without batting an eye) or that (you always would),
That they were lucky to have you, that they would be worthless
Without you, that their lives would be senseless without your presence.
You damaged their sense of self-esteem, you made them question
Their intuition which had always been right about you. It was their
Heart which tried to have faith in you and got bruised so badly, their
Bodies you used, their minds you poisoned and abused.
They forgot who they were. You had become an infected
Part of them that they wanted gone.
You convinced them that they’d die if you left.
That you would spread lies about them, reveal secrets.
You’d blackmail them into submission. You exploited them.
You instilled them with fear and that got you all power-drunk.
Whenever you were ready to go.
Didn’t matter whether they
Wanted to or not.
They believed that you could make their
Lives a living hell.
You never raised your voice or said explicitly
You were smart that way. You sullied their
Souls with every single part of you.
All that vicious bile within you.
The sheer heartlessness and incapacity to love.