I didn’t dare to say your name.
I thought that I would end up in that same room again.
In your midst.
In your murdering spider web.
I heard your voice and its terrors in every corner
Of my brain, spreading the hatred,
Clashing with my attempts to break free.
I saw your face everywhere
And felt my accelerated heartbeat,
To run, run,
Run so far away from you or strangers
With your perfume or hairdo,
Carrying the same bag or walking around
The city with your face,
The way make-up accentuated your face,
The way your scent lingered,
The songs you loved and listened to,
Playing themselves into my bonework.
Endless repercussions, of you, of the
Exhausting taste you left behind.
You behind the camera, you pulling
The strings so hard
Around my neck
Punch, punch, the clock, the doll,
Everything about me,
Burying my footsteps.
My face on the floor.
Your eyes on me.
The attacks you planned.
I could already envision my freedom.
That’s what kept me alive.
A world without you.
The paralysing schemes you weave
People that you proclaim to love and adore,
That you attract with feigned niceties
And assassinate with a weighed down shadow
That they don’t know exists, behind their backs,
You find their Achilles heel,
Waiting for them to
Reveal it to you because they trust your
Love, and you fucking abuse it, use it
Against them, poisoning them from
The inside out,
You beast and raptor.
Your wings are made out of dead skins and
Deracinated feathers of bodies that don’t belong to you
And you play the peacock, you thief, you beggar
Without the posture and sound, you shapeshifting
Deceiver, abuser of words that still had a meaning before
You dropped bombs into other people’s lives
And halved them to death and fulfilled yours temporarily.