I’d lock myself back into the body of that little girl.
Trying not to let her feel what you felt for her.
I never knew how to protect her from you, your tyranny.
And then my self-destruction.
I lost sight of her and it became easy
To wound her, shatter her into my own darkness, render her nameless.
Of course I knew what would injure her the most.
She’d weep and I refused to hear a thing.
I felt so ugly within, without her, the voice she had,
The one that I took away from her and without which
I couldn’t speak in my own name.
I was too weak to hold her hand, to love her, the way I knew how,
Or didn’t, I associated her with lack, with too much meat on her bones,
With everything that is wrong, with imperfection, weirdness,
I tried to erase her and she had always been the most beautiful
Spirit. How could I have done this to her?
Let the outside get to her?
The mould stemming from unimportant minds.
Judging her, I should have neglected them, not her, never.
She’d always have my back and she had been hurt so many times before,
But she never withered, not until I throttled her within me, that shocked
Her to the core.
How could she possibly defend herself?
Against me, the growing body, the adolescent mind, timid, angry,
Insecure and traumatised.
I imagine her face, as it is my own, the disappointment, the loss of faith,
It sets my stomach on fire.
She did everything, she was so strong, never would she back down.
And I made her small because I listened to repulsive voices,
Dragging me away from her.
She should be invincible within me.
I let her be devalued, how could the ship not sink?
I weakened her heartbeat and resilience.
I gave up on her, was ashamed,
The same old song that she could just shove to the side, but not
If I sang it in our voice.
Never again will I let her get injured. She belongs in broad daylight.
I carry her within me with pride.
Unblemished by useless and mediocre ways of thinking.
This girl shines hard, speaks her mind like no one else.
She smells bullshit from afar, never shies away from confrontation.
Standing up to bullies, loving without a recipe and contemplation.
She has love in her bones and nothing can get her on her knees to apologise
For who she is.
Croque-Melpomene 