I swallowed
she said
but I didn’t accept
she said
memories growing out of proportion
in her body
disfigured
*
sometimes the truth
found its language
in her mouth acidic
*
she hid her dying self
behind a locked bathroom door
I’ve studied tiles after tiles in my childhood adolescent
cheeks on the dead floor
waiting for my face to dry
waiting for her to come out
to look like herself
like her
on the inside
*
what happened between my parents
what happened in my parents’ bed
has always been a part of me
*
my mother tries to hold her bones in place
at the breakfast table
my father plays
checks how many pieces he can take
before she falls apart
*
and he sees beauty
and whispers
I did that
*
and she recollects
what is left of her
and rebuilds her home
*
my mother is not there
when my father comes
*
she leaves herself
body unanswered
unaccounted for
and he distributes himself
for as long as he wants to
*
my mother’s mausoleum
my mother’s playground
*
my father transcends his body to inflict pain
my mother vanishes to make room
*
because sex meant servitude
sex meant loss of self
sex meant desecration
sex meant peace
sex meant bringing home the bacon
sex meant his thing
sex meant denial
sex meant sacrifice
*
all the things I didn’t see
filled our house
there to outlive all things seen
Croque-Melpomene 