fidelio | a poem

you died

and I saw you

e v e r y w h e r e

*

and what did you think would happen

if I moved in a bed of shards

*

I mistrusted men’s intentions when they came close to me

since girlhood I observed what kind I attracted

and who I became when I let them touch me

I degraded myself in my own body

and they were satisfied

and I was horrified

*

whining behind the tip of the tongue

paralysed behind the front teeth

the word no couldn’t be formed

*

and why did you hold his hand

and why did you smile

and why

and why

*

I’d approach the beast

to soften the blow

to convince myself

that I’m in control

*

to make their bestiality mine

to turn it into something that couldn’t harm me

*

alcohol unbottled everything they were dreaming of

*

I abandoned the idea of love

and crawled into a hole

and I lay consecrated by vermin