Comprehending loss is a daily task.
I rejuvenated the past.
Stared into space, at blank walls,
Watching us, as we have been,
As we will never be again.
It’s not us at all anymore and it hurts
More than it cures.
Looking at your face, youthful,
Colourful, every muscle smiling effortlessly.
Shots straight into the heart.
These images are incompatible with the present moment
Why do I try to render them compatible?
Can’t one exist and the other as well?
Why do they need to melt into one another?
One might not have anything to do with the other.
And yet they feel inseparable.
I want you here with me.
Every step of the way.
The present day earth beneath my feet.
I’ll take you with me everywhere I go.
And we are together still.
Live our lives in reinvented ways.
You didn’t want me to look at photographs of you
And think about your death, only the end, the ugliness of it,
I stand behind you even it goes against everything within me
And yet, isn’t that what love is, freedom, free fall,
I feel the brutality, your jump lives in my gut,
I saw the aftermath, sought it out, called it out,
And yet I chose to put myself in your skin,
Your state of mind, your idealism, you being at peace with yourself,
The way you saw, felt and exited this world,
I was in need of finding my brother once more
And I did, and hurt comes with belonging to you,
Loving you, catching you, letting you go, living with you
The way we do now.
It’s tricky, it’s straightforward, it’s you and I, you and us all,
The abysses and mountaintops, the heart and mind,
Broken, pulsating, fragmented, unified, sounds of invisible unison.
And we are exactly the same thing in different forms.