The dust starts to settle on your bag
And I wipe it off as I walk past the doorknob
Where it hangs, still, without your shoulders.
I put a stone in that bag, a flower, a feather,
To cleanse the inside, the abandonment, the trauma
Within, to hold it as if it were you, you, right before
The fall, you, right before nothing would have happened,
You right into my arms, it wouldn’t cling to my door,
I put my hand on it as if it were your forehead, I’m with you,
Wherever you are, whatever you are going through now,
Hold on to my love, hold on to my light, through me, through you.
I sense you here. I allow myself to be overwhelmed.
The disbelieving sadness finds me still. Once I start
Crying, I barely find my way out on my own.
I can’t believe how your body felt without you in it.
I can’t believe that I won’t see you grow old.
I can’t believe that an effortless smile turned into
An ongoing scream that nobody recognised, backstage,
A premeditated catastrophe, nothing on the radar,
There were no signs, there was your mind, your heart,
How could I not feel what you felt, how powerful
Your light must have been to overshadow such a darkness,
I wish I could have found my way in, to hold you,
To do everything in my power, but your spirit has always been free.