In Memoriam: Reclaiming A Sense Of Goodbye: A Poem

There is one path a mother should never walk.

She did. I held her arm, the shivering elbow.

The sounds of our mother. The stops she had to make.

The heart leaking. The mouth coming up for non-existent

Air. There is one path a mother should never walk.


We walked it together. The downward steps to you.

I wouldn’t let you go unseen.

I did what I feared the most.

I knew you did the worst and you did it all alone.

Now, I wouldn’t let you go in solitude.

I wouldn’t leave your body there.

Without us. Alone. I needed you to know.

I needed you to feel.

I needed you to know that we came and

We were there.


They opened the doors.

And my body split in half.

The music. The room.

Your blanket. I never wanted you to be cold.

I never wanted you to freeze.

I wanted to give you warmth.

Reclaiming a last moment, with you, yours.

You were never alone, you were never alone.


I approached the externalised hole in my heart.

Your face. Your beautiful face. I needed time.

I needed to let this reality sink in

Before I could touch you.

My hands hovered over your forehead.

Shivering. I withdrew and I came back.

I shook my head. But there it was, you, there you were.


I put my hand on your skin.

You became you.

You, my brother. Nothing mattered anymore,

My hands on your face, your cheeks, caressing your hair.

I was there. I am here, my beautiful brother, I whispered

To you, I put seashells on your heart, I wrote you,

I filled that space with as much love as I could,

I put my hand under yours, I looked at your fingers,

A boy’s hand, those fingers, I held you and you became warm

Again, I conquered the cold with my heat,

I thought life ran through you once more,

I sang to you, I took the wounds, I took the horror

And replaced them with love and tenderness.


That’s what you deserved, that’s what you gave,

Love, so much of it. I wouldn’t let you go without

Reciprocation, I never did, we never did, and you knew.

I sat next to you, my greatest fear, I held your hands,

Your head, I kissed you then and there, your scent on

My lips, for days I smelled you on me, I held you there,

You beautiful man, you golden boy, I kissed you on your

Forehead and time escaped us all, I couldn’t let go of you,

Love knows no limits, I wished you so well, I saw them

Coming with the lid as I turned around one more time,

I saw them drive you away and I knew our presence

Had made its way through to you and the sun shone.

yellow lit candle in candle holder
Photo by Torsten Dettlaff on

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