You pretended that you never knew what I
Was talking about.
We were never able to make it onto the same page
And yet we reached it, every single day,
But you sent the past, that you steered me into,
Straight through the chimney, reformed the ashes,
And tried to send clouds into my brain, too,
But I always remembered you, the heavyweight traces you left behind.
What made you think that I would
Forget the nights where I screamed into my pillow,
Cried into my pillow, wishing you’d finally stop, get it
Together, shut up, stop the screaming, all those hours
At night, straight into my body, all the fears you instilled,
What makes you think that I could dissociate all of that
This was you in my gut, this was you in my mind,
This was you in my face, my tears, my throat.
What is it now? You exploded like clockwork.
Stop screaming. Stop screaming. What is the matter
With you? Who could listen to this? For hours?
Every single day, the same thing, the same lazy complaints.
How is it possible that you’re still so unwilling
And presumably unable to recall what I recall,
To admit it all, to for once claim responsibility,
Shed a light on the demons that you expressed
And released mercilessly, in a daily routine, straight
Into the abyss, that I grew up in, that I scratched my
Way out of.
How can you still pretend and envelop
Yourself in sweet tones and colours, shoving misogyny
In my face, the ancestors’ fault, never yours, you could
Never grow a backbone and admit the world we both
Lived in, that you built, that you massacred, the adolescence
That you butchered, how can you not smell the blood on your hands
That you always scrubbed and scrubbed off and turned a blind eye towards?