A Palette Of Guardian Angels: A Poem

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I read that I should mourn temporary

Versions of myself that didn’t make it,

For some reason or other. I read that I

Should erect a cross in my mind, wherever

The light went out, a shrine, a mental one,

Candles and wax, a prayer or two, think of

Her, and ask myself why it stopped there for her,

For them, there have been a lot, interferences,

Cutoffs, bullying, discouragement, whatever reality means.

 

I look into their faces. They stand by the side of the road.

They seem to be waiting. They expect something.

Are they waiting for me to join them, pick them up,

Cure them or let them go, let them rest, acknowledge

The steps they have taken to prolong the road, to give me space

For growth? It’s hard to look at some of them. It breaks my heart.

I start to wonder whether there are bits and pieces of them

That I can keep, that will never leave my side entirely.

 

Some of them are small and feel dependent, some feel

Alienating and frustrating, some feel ready to watch me

Do my own thing and rest in peace. It’s easy to look back

At them and understand them in retrospect. Forgive them.

Empathise with them. Feel them still. Love them. Everything

About them. They had meaning. They moved. They lived.

They are all so different from one another. That’s why they exist.

 

And yet, every single one of them is me.

And I’m done shoving them away myself.

Out of shame, out of fear, out of anger or whatever.

They belong to me as I belong to them.

And yet, we’re free. No more accusations,

No more blaming, shaming or guilt-tripping.

I embrace them as I embrace my own skin,

We fit and stick together. I acknowledge their history.

And I let them breathe and watch over me, my guardian angels.

woman wearing white dress
Photo by Patrick Porto on Pexels.com

 

 

 

 

 

20 Replies to “A Palette Of Guardian Angels: A Poem”

  1. Resonant! And, it feels like you are experiencing your Parts trusting you enough for them to come back forward. Some ready to integrate, some ready to be released? Can you ask them, each individually to respect their particular bent and unfolding back into you or from you, “Do you have a message for me?” I experienced just this across 3+ years of Brainspotting (Psychology sessions). Either with yourself of a trained professional.

    And, I gather what you feel about them, all different each from a different trauma? I gather what you feel about them is to a degree mirroring their messages, and one you may be able to bear to hear now… though once heard your head pops up, and THEY relax , too. Then, it’s THEY integrate on their own OR release themselves and mirage-dissolve disappear… or, however it occurs for you if it even resonates at all.

    Just a thought. THis poem feels overtly confessional, as if you are speaking on their behalf so YOU don’t have to go it alone. I gather they are more of you Re-surfacing, and ready to help you dose yourself with more Of yourself to cascade through and amplify you?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Truly intriguing, this sentence really makes me think: “trusting you enough for them to come back forward” and this question: “do you have a message for me?”. I will definitely let both sink in and think about them properly. Spot on. I mean, how many versions of us are there? I think it is vital to find out what happened and why and yes, that is going to be painful, but we should listen and look. Why are some sticking around? What is still to come? Or will there always be a connection / communication? Where are they located in the body, where it hurts, where the wound occurred, or maybe elsewhere, an image in your mind, a place?

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      1. I’ll look forward to experiencing what you come to. And, I would suggest a distinction. In lieu of some of them sticking around… Have those come back as they are ready to be integrated?

        Some of them may be enraged and/or happy sad glad mad. Some of them may need guidance. I’m simply curious as I feel every trauma we’ve been through has potentially sheaf-chaffed of Part (capitalized from Brainspotting) that has it’s own identity driven ONLY by the particular trauma where it peeled part of us away (disassociation potentially?) to protect the whole. Part martyrs, part heroes and heroines. Part just normal ole Parts incarcerated within is as Basement Children who know nothing else than the WHOLE world formed by the single-or-longform trauma.

        Again, I’ll look forward to experiencing what you come to. You have a wonderfully depthful noggin’ and heart. I’ll look forward to experiencing what you come to… and/or questions/discussion. It’s certainly an intriguing gig, huh?

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      2. Jordan, over the last days you moved things with your insightful comments. I say let them step forward and speak. And you’re right, some are angry, some are bonkers (rightfully so?), some are hurt, the emotions and stations go on, sometimes far apart, sometimes intertwined, it’s a ride indeed. I really embrace the idea of integration. Now, I’m ready to dive into the personae whose sole identity is based on specific traumata. “Peeled part of us away to protect the whole”, now that’s a key sentence that I will work with here. “Longform trauma”. Something’s stirring indeed, my friend. Let’s have a look, I say. Thank you so much, this is strangely invigorating and inspiring. I really appreciate your input, Jordan.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. You’re welcome, Croque. Brainspotting tends to have immediate results rather than talk therapy hooking one to the teet of the Therapist. After a while, it gets more natural and easier to receive each and every Part that peeks around the corner wondering if it’s safe to step up, that arrives enraged like a Tasmanian Devil whirlwind, happy, hopeful, sad, abandoned, family reuniting wanting to come back home… I always simply follow one rule: I smile silently widening my eyes and raising my eyebrows in a silent gesture of, “Yes, you’re important just as you are right now,” and only speak after they worked out their stomping about and such… let them run, no consoling or calming them, not taking it personally, either as we BOTH were affected by the trauma. It blew them/peeled them off/out of me de-homing them, and I lost something when that happen. Me and the Part, we’re in it together, though I have the wonderfully respectful duty to powerfully witness them. Sometimes no words are spoken. Sometimes, I guess now word has spread inside that I sit as the Heartfelt Hierophant Silverback Gorilla ready to welcome them, and not a single word is spoken as we back and forth with our eyes until we entering the sync of knowing eyes and a resonant kelping nod with one another, and they re-enter their home…ME. You’ll know. You’ll know where you feel it in your body, feel the cascade of ablution tingles as they “dissolve” to replenish that area just a bit more.

        I am PLUSSED to hear that my thoughtful comments moved things for you. It reminds me of my Brainspotting Psychologist. I called him the safe cracker. His response? Smiling, “Yes, that’s insightful, Jordan. You have all the combinations to all the locks without even your ear to the door. All I have really done is help you turn the safe around so YOU can turn the click click click safe door dial. It’s hard to crack the safe mentally. Then, you’re usually coming at it from the side or back. The emotions, though? The emotions know the combinations too all the locks, they simply aren’t the sleuth like the mind, have difficult time approaching the safe of your Self from the safe door full frontal.”

        Go YOU, Croque! This is intensely wonderful to hear. 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      4. Greetings, my friend. All right, so I did a bit of digging. Holy smokes. I had no idea about Brainspotting/EMDR therapy before you mentioned it. I watched a few videos and got some information. Fascinating. Definitely worth the investment, because looking at the prices it is, but you’re investing in your well-being, so what could be more important? I will give it a try as soon as I can. Truly eerie in some ways what we carry around with us, thinking access is blocked, oh boy, no, it’s right there. It manifests. The body knows. Aren’t human beings fascinating? I’m floored. I’m wondering. It’s never a good idea to define who you are by what happened to you. But what makes you “you”? The past, the present, the future? The whole thing? Are you starting from scratch once all traumata are healed and dealt with? Can you remember all the feelings, good and predominantly bad attached to it and its aftermath? So interesting. Are they still part of you and your story? Can they be put in the drawer, done and dusted? I mean, yes please, right, but aren’t we all so full of different shades? Thoughts, so many thoughts, Jordan. 😀

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      5. Excellent question set, Croque! And excellent thoughts!

        They don’t go in the drawer. You don’t have to remember anything like the artificial armatures of talk therapy and behavior modification.

        Once they acclimate to you, then you gain their trust because they left you so long ago To protect you, though THEY are the one who feels abandoned and happy/mad/glad/sad to see you again. Then, you ask them. What’s your core? What is your mode of being? Do you have a message for me? And then, sometimes more waiting in silent and powerful witness until they respond on their own terms. They might ask you questions back before they reveal anything.

        Once they do reveal theIr message, though, what often occurs is that move into your body where they belong and dissolve like Psychological Nourishment vitamins, basically dosing yourself with more of yourself.

        And, someone comes along, says something that previously would have set you off, and your head cocks, eyes brighten, your eyebrows go up, and… you simply stare at them intently right in the eyes while saying nothing… because that trigger-trauma Part is now literally integrated as part of you. The Part become a part no longer apart from you.

        We ARE all so full of shades. Though, all similar, each unique. Everyone is different, just like everyone else. Your Parts are evidently already starting to arrive, in groups even from their community of what’s called The Basement Children. They are YOURS, though. Your life, your way. Your Parts, how you and they interact all depends on you.. and how you interact and engage them.

        There’s a great book my Psychologist asked me to eat several years ago that plays into Brainspotting SO well: “You Are the One You’ve Been Wairting For — Bringing Courageous Love to Intimate Relationships.” And, like the title expresses, the 1st courageous love you bring you bring to yourself.

        I laugh because about 18 months into Brainspotting I was in a meeting and someone made a statement about this or that on a project — and it was a Sales Manager — I calmly leaned in to the conference and put both hands on the table and still calm as if without a care in the world simply said, “I don’t believe you.” I just let it hang there, going silent waiting… like HE was a Part, gave him the space and time to…. “Ok Jordan, you’re on point there. This is what really went down, and we just really need to do something about it.” I cocked my head and, “Interesting, why did you think the facts needed to be sold like a bill of goods. Facts don’t need salesmanship. They are what they are, and that’s the best place to start for workability towards a solution.”

        That example also shows that some people will lie about things they don’t have to As for one Part’s reason or another, they felt that had to be hidden somewhat or completely. It also dials you OUT of being dialed in to being manipulated. I began to feel reciprocality rather than discern it or keep score.

        Liked by 1 person

      6. This resonates with me. I’m starting to put my mind and body in a place where I’m ready to ask these questions and be asked certain things in return. It’s fascinating to finally get into a dialogue with what has already been there and knows so much, ready to be completed, ready to come to fruition. I was wondering how the therapy works when you don’t have a specific memory, but sensations that something was wrong, that a name or a place or whatever really cause strong physical and mental reactions but the images are missing and stuck somewhere in the body or the mind, or what happens if trauma happened whilst one was asleep? Do they help you access them by associating colours, taste, words to it that your body tells you are the key, are relevant, can lead you there to uncover the swallowed and relocated images that caused you harm? What happens if your eyes were closed? Are the other senses the key? It’s all still there, fresh as you said, and not just one way to access everything, I reckon.

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      7. No, you needn’t have memories or associations or any intellectual anything whatsover. That’s all stuff for talk therapy.

        Brainspotting doesn’t need it. No memory. Ohhhh, not to worry, when your trauma Parts arrive they’ll remind you pretty enough. Oh boy will they. 🙂

        If your eyes were closed? Not an issue as your eyes when the trauma occurred Would have still been looking somewhere (from behind your closed eyelids) and maybe even in REM sleep they were even moving all over the place?

        I asked specific questions to look into specific parts very infrequently. You go in and the Therapist has you slow scan the area in front of you as they (he/she) holds out a long pointer that you follow. They discern to move it at the speed — usually relatively slow — until, “THERE<“ and you feel the charge in your body. You simply sit with it staying focused on that one point until your Part(s) come forth, or peek around a corner to see if it’s ok to step out into the open. Then, the “fun” begins. Intense respect and empathy and patience is required with and towards the Parts. Well, maybe not required… one could certainly be an A** to them and they Igor just disappear and never come bacK around and you’d never have the opportunity to resolve full again… and they’d still have a tendency to drive you unconsciously… and maybe not so unconsciously from their perspective.

        No colors, no words, no associative tricksters to bait you out like other therapies. It’s emotional and feeling and visceral, the memories literally living very hidden in your cells and spirit and soul… basically any place they were blasted to when they were blasted out.

        Fresh = Trauma is always fresh. I remember smelling a certain smell during one session when I was focusing my gaze on a charged point. OH BOY did it come rushing in. It was as clear as the moment it occurred.

        The other senses are not the key. It sounds as if you are reasoning with the idea in an unconscious comparison to talk therapy and being sold on it… and, I’m glad you are, as rather than Leary, I get the sense from you of wonderment and curiosity and as well healthy boundaries that are Sovereign in their discretion? …, though, with Brainspotting, reasons are most likely most often unreasonable. It’s simply when you look at a charged point, a trauma Part was basically burned into the back of your brain in a direct line inside along the path of your gaze outside, and THEN it’s accessed, given a portal to literally come out and “play” in whatever mood it’s being frozen in SINCE the trauma.

        It ends up being SO deceptively simple, though so wonderfully deceptively simple that over 3+ years — hardcore bi-weekly/monthly — I resolved a lifetime of trauma and also found my Primary Part that is now my Chief Ally. Now, I’ll check in for a session every 6 months to a year. Now I have enough more of me back in the saddle, time to USE me and do my work. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      8. I really can’t wait to try it and see what happens. How many do you think there could be? What would you say constitutes (counts as one) a part? Can one part be connected to another and completely disconnected from another one? What if some parts feel stuck and can’t flow, or are hard to reach, will the body physically react to the stagnation and possibly develop a sickness where the part is trapped? Can it ever be too late to heal and liberate?

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      9. You won’t reach them. You won’t find them. They come out when you access the charged points in the viewframe which basically opens the door. SOmetimes they won;t come out for a while. That door had never been there before. G+First they have to trust THAT newness.

        I found that some Manager Parts may rule others, though Parts Is Parts fits. My experience is that each and every one of them is unique, and ONE Part. They can be as infinite as every experience you’ve ever had that was intense. Some great, some from pain and trauma. Once acclimated, though, they are all wise, and they are wise from YOUR wisdom that you simply haven’t opened to yet. How could you? You can’t know what you don;t know.

        The sickness part is a possibility. Maybe they go stillborn and rot. That, I don’t know. Some of them for me have come from near or in the environs I have pain or trouble. It’s like massage therapy when it releases a bind or kinked muscle. Except, of course more systemically from my perspective.

        I want to make sure you know I am NOT a Psychologist. I am simply very open and aware of a long road home from some 80 sessions over 3 years. About a 1/4 of the time, I couldn’t afford them. I’d cut something else out of my budget and tighten the belt further to stay in the consistent flow. I found the experience to be of THAT much value, so I made no bones about it that without question I protected the continuity of my process.

        Some for me at the end were connected. Had found one another when they were related in conceptual ways. Like mini-communities. At one point in a session I turned to a Manager Part who was basically a cause of me not being so nice to myself, and being controlling rather than empathically listening in Powerful Witness. And, I put my hand up to my Psychologist before he asked me a question. I turned to the particular Manager Part (about 2 years in) and said, “Now that will be quite enough of that. Period. End of that. If I DON’T thrive, you don’t don’t, either. If I die, you go away. You live in MY home. No freeloaders here anymore who don’t pay value in my mental real estate. THIS is my mouth. You can advise me as Counsel, but your mouth-hijacking privileges are revoked. Revoke as of this word, NOW.” it’s head bobbed back surprised, and I felt my mouth tingle like it was about to say something (SO ODD to feel the remote control) and I leaned in further even more silently and just raised my eyebrows wide-eyed as if to say ‘NO.” I desisted, actually sat down. When it did, the hills literally formed into a stadium of people around me in the meadow scene we were in. Hundreds, thousands of Parts showing up. I cocked my head and smiled with, “All of your aren;t just welcome here. You live here. I haven;t been of much value to you, I I was unaware you are here. You are all of value to me, as you lessened a trauma or experience for me down to tolerable when you peeled off or however you parted ways with me to become the Part you are. You are all welcome, and I will not allow myself to be overloaded by everyone at one. Please move about freely, and when each of us is ready, we’ll both know and come together. Your Life, Your Way. My Life My Way. Best to us all dosing me with you all so I am more me with your way as internal ally, my Cohesive Inner Community. We’re not there yet. I have lots of work to do with each of you. Hey, we invest in ourselves together, and it’ll last a lifetime. Might take that long to.”

        There were cheers. I turned back to my Psychologist and a tear flowed down his cheek. “Jordan, thank you for doing this for yourself, for getting out of the chatter-talk out here, and engaging like that in there. Do you have a word for what you just felt in there?”

        “Yes, I do… Soveriegn, and about to get more so with my team.”

        My “Your Life, Your Way” mantra tag line for my ImaginAction book has been forming since I finished the Mystereum Tarot in 2008, Prescient Remembrance before that (you’ll see — a poetry collection), and up through to now to play out here in public more in ImaginAction.

        “Your Life, Your Way” came from that session. It was the 1st time I used it not for others, but in a way honest with myself in a feeling and action rather than simply being wonderfully charged words.

        I hope I haven;t gone too far in my response, though your interrogative piece is both large and small.

        Parts are Parts. I look forward to you engaging yours with a Professional Psychologist. I had whole sessions where nothing occurred except my Pyschologist and I talking, then the session time was up.

        And… early on in the process I expressed to him I only know one thing about my process. If I commit to a discipline of a ritual, I will do it in a disciplined way. Even if my Butt In The Chair (BITCh Method) for a work session on writing or Tarot or Art or Astrology or other means I sit down to work, though I hold the chair to my butt and stand up and chair waddle out with it to sit in the garden — without the chair legs knocking things over. Sometimes harder than you might imagine. 🙂

        Short of it. I checked my expectations at the door. No greed of what I would get from any session, or anything at all. Sometimes the “get” is further acclimation to the process… like with the reciprocal acclimation with Parts when they come. No scolding. No shaming. Not even any suggestions. Don;t be their parent. Don;t be their friend. You don;t know them yet…again. 🙂

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      10. “Can it ever be too late to heal and liberate?”

        Not sure other than, if you are alive, you still have the opportunity to do what you are able. It also may make you more alive. That tends to turn that tide the other way… in your favor. No expectations, no outcomes. No greed, no pouting. That’s for the Parts. Otherwise, Santa won’t come. 😉

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      11. You don’t just remember the feelings. The Parts BRING them to you. You see, there’s a key concept with Brainspotting that I had no idea about when I went in. “Trauma is always fresh.” It does not age, though may get darker and darker the longer it’s left kidnapped to its own world… and the Part’s world is composed of one infinite Universe of… JUST that trauma, and any others it is complicit in being contributory with.

        Though, no shame, no blame, not even responsibility or accountability. It becomes about workability, and not continuing to be cruel to yourself to take things so personally and then feel like shit after.

        I also find you began to connect with people on deeper and more naturally resonant levels.

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      12. Pardon, Croque! (Not Holly) I apologize. Croque, that was meant for you.I appreciate your candor and openness, expresses an intense Self strength on your part. Your words were both heartfelt and robust embracing wonderment. 🙂

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      13. Croque, would you mind please editing your name in the comment. I am shaking my head that I dove right in and comments above and below yours hijacking my mind. I apologize for not taking a breath before I commented and stepped in with the wrong name. That’s all on me.

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      14. 🙂 ON your own time. Your life, your way. Sovereign Self. It’s always a pleasure hearing from you. Plus, the work is important to not intereference-pattern it. Know that I keep the perspective with people of no news is good news. Heck, I have a friend who travels all around all the time mostly with her husband, and it’ll be 6 months to a year for her to respond to an email… and, when she does, I find out they were deep in China or Siberia or wherever where no comms were getting out, and in some places not even available. 🙂

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      15. “Strangely invigorating and inspiring.” Almost the same words I used (full-on same concept) after the 3rd or 4th Brainspotting session with my Psychologist. “Man, this is like healthy MPD without me having multiple personalities. Having many multiples of Parts. So cool and resonant and strange. Wicked cool, and the cascades of tingles. There’s no behavior modification practice required. It’s instantaneous. The behavior mod is that I’m that much more comfortable, and don’t get triggered by whatever it was anymore. So cool!”

        If you’re game, I would suggest to find a Psychologist in your neck of the woods that does Brainspotting and/ or EMDR And try a couple of sessions, It took me until my 3rd session for a result, small one to occur. I feel that was due to to both getting out of my head, and also unconsciously acclimating to this stranger I was paying $120/hour who I didn’t know from Adam. 3rd session, and all was well and good to basically open myself up and bare all from the heart — pushed the head (usually a Manager of sorts) into the cheap seats as a spectator… now front row, though still spectator. 🙂

        I haven’t done EMDR as we agreed that we hit the nail on the head with Brainspotting. For me it just works — also called Parts Therapy.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Also, I would be remiss if I did not express the joy I get from being able to take intense experiences I have, that are somewhat out-of-the-norm (which is a loaded term of things averaging the average out to just about boring to provide a smoking of the narcotic of hope that everything will be just fine, rather than embracing the not-knowing in it’s numinous qualities). I am resonant, strikes chords to resonate with me, that your intensity amplifies the clarity of vision of your way-finding in asking intensely interest questions, Croque. At least that’s what I feel in out conversation.

    Everything will be just fine? Yes, especially when you face things without Projective Identification or Psychological Projection. And, “just fine” may be waking up and saying, “I’m up for this to be a beautifully life-ful day with bliss and suffering and all the what-ever-makes-it’s-way-my way, so you’re ready to not get blind-sided and engage whatever comes your way. I find that some resort to humor in a minor hysteria way when uncomfortable, and some utilize wisdom THROUGH humor to diffuse unbearably intense aggression with a “Why move 3” when blade only 1/4’ wide,” and put the “intensity” in its place by welcoming it into the perspective as experience… without enabling or getting run over in the least.

    You see, from my perspective, it’s not that PI or PP (Projective Identity or Psychological Projection) are just needy and fearful (often unconsciously so) presentations of things we don’t know or have not/won’t admit about ourselves so mirrors are thrust upon people from our stuff. I could stop right there if I was judgmental, rather than powerfully listening to what’s going on at ALL scales at once — the whole symphony. If I stopped right there in judgment, I would say how NEEDY that makes people come across. Though, I tend to swim in chthonic numinosity if you will, the Both/And, the highest of the highs and the lowest of the lows. Not Manic~Depressive. Not adrenaline junky of over-stimulation pendulum-ing to rest in burnt-out recovery enduring under-stimulation — big recipe for burn-out, and continually bringing only Loki to bear to keep us fooled into thinking we’re foolish at each pendulum swing… that’s unconscious shaming behavior.

    It’s the Both/And for me, the Chthonic Numinosity confluencing in the everyday mundane mementos. The Heartfelt Silverback Hierophant of Chthonic Numinosity where all the experiencing through grit and Divinity come to confluence right here, right now, in the present and very mundane moment of the perpetual present. A present fed by Death, the Mother of memory nourishing our experience and wisdom, and dreams and wonderment and curiosity fueling our bleeding edges from the future, immediate or otherwise.

    Ever felt the sacred just watching a movie with ice cream because it was just SO right for the time? Ever felt the sacred in everyday secular experiences, just the rhythm of brushing your teeth?

    Life in every moment regardless of its tenor, pain or pleasure or just ambling along.

    I think these quotes apply:
    “Heaven is for people who do not want to go to Hell. Spirituality is for those of us who have already been there.” ~ David Bowie

    “No, I certainly have no desire to go to Heaven. None of my friends are there. SOunds lonely.” ~ Oscar Wilde

    “When fighting monsters, take care not to become one.” ~ My Friend Fred (Friedrich Nietzsche)

    “As soon as as you concern yourself with the ‘good’ or ‘bad’ of your fellows, you create an opening in your heart for maliciousness to enter. Testing, competing with, and criticizing others weakens and defeats you.” ~ Morihei Ueshiba

    “The secret to getting started is getting started.” ~ Mark Twain

    “Vulnerability is the birthplace of courage.” ~ Brene Broan

    “Be comfortable with the not-knowing. Forgetting is for getting. It tends to make more room for the good stuff when it comes in.” ~ Jordan Hoggard

    “Adversity doesn’t build character. It reveals it.” ~ James Lane Allen
    *********
    Croque,

    I’ll pause right here as the above may have been better as multiple parts of the conversation rather than this behemoth sized confluence.

    Best,
    Jordan

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