Catching A Glimpse And Holding On To It: A Poem

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What will remain as you disintegrate?

Have I ever gotten in touch with the best

You could be? Have you ever deemed me

Worthy enough to show that part of yourself

To me? Have I known you at all? I always

Thought it odd to leave life and one’s identity

Unrevealed close to death, unwilling to speak,

Unburden the heart. I find it odd, unnerving.

 

Are you taking everything with you?

Are you going to stay silent? We never talked

Much in the first place, not about things

That mattered, things stemming from a place

Of love, things that would make life better,

Things concerning the both of us and how we

Lived together and how you tried everything

To make me feel like the whole world was set against me,

In it, how you abused your powers as a father

To fight and undermine your own daughter,

How you saw me grow and focused on my

Shortcomings.

 

You rubbed them in my face, all these petty

Little things that you thought mattered in a

World you hated and preached to me how I

Lacked all of them. Everything you rebelled

Against within me I could see so clearly in yourself.

Everything can be used for good or bad.

I knew where you stood and you wanted me there too,

But I wasn’t. I have never been a bitter child.

The world hadn’t disappointed me yet. Hadn’t failed me yet.

 

You made sure that it would.

I needed to learn and feel what you felt.

What you went through. What?!

You never told me.

First destruction, then nothing.

You guided me into a dead alley.

Into vicious cycles. That’s what your hands would do.

Mislead me. Your curses. Your facial expression. Your

Tumultuous body. Your rancour. Limitless. Incandescent.

I would never be allowed to outgrow you. Life was all

About you. Your pain. Your past that I knew nothing of.

But all that suffering. All that violence. Hellsounds out of

Your mouth. Discrimination. Accusations. Self-loathing.

Onto me.

 

I just wanted to see what love looks like.

 

What everybody always praises so highly,

But nobody seems to be good at it. For the long run

For the true run.

 

We have been fooled. Taught by inexperienced fanatics.

Everything on the surface. Surreal expectations. Perfection.

Flat. No ups and downs. Moronic. Robotic. Pretence. Short-lived.

 

You could never show me what love looks like.

It had been a myth to you.

You had no interest in it.

You stuck to the world you knew.

Earth that never knew water.

And you taught your disappointment.

Your endlessly duplicated anger.

A quest for love that was never initiated.

Lost from the very start. Disengaged.

 

And I wonder, as you disintegrate,

What are you thinking about? Truly,

What is on your mind? I think you

Have mastered the art of fooling yourself.

Told yourself lies that you ended up

Believing so that you could survive

As you died.

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