Atemnot / Breathlessness

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Since you brought me here,

Every gesture of yours told me

To stay where you walked away

From me. You wanted to know

That I was still there, waiting for

You. You were the focus point of

Your own thoughts. I was a child

Immovable, impatient, steady,

Wasting away, in need of you, to

Finally come back, and whenever

You felt like it, you’d just walk

Past me as if no time of my life

Had made its way around the clock.

 

I look at your siblings and how you

Are all reflections of each other. In

Competition with each other, who

Suffers the most, the Italian contest.

Whose flesh is pierced the most by

Arrows. Who screams the loudest.

Who wails the longest. You all bathed

In those concoctions of inflicted and self-repeated

Misery of the mind. You never wanted to get

Better, just stepped right into the footsteps

Of those you didn’t want to imitate when

You still had a willpower of your own.

 

And now look at you. I felt sorry for you

And tried to help you for so long, that’s

What you wanted, but you also wanted

Me to stay there with you, comforting

The same wounds without your input,

Without change and betterment, you drove

Around in your vicious circles and dragged

Me along to cure the incurable, you wanted

To remain insane with me holding your hand

Unconditionally, what I felt you nullified, trivialised.

 

I remember you all.

The upside-down trinity of mayhem.

The dead stagnant water, repulsion.

Children taking care of adults that eat them up,

Every single bit, day after day, crying in the

Beds of their children, holding them, draining them,

Beating and apologising, every word, meaningless,

Hollow, repetitive, insanity, unstable steps in a withering

House, bars and ropes, a jungle of attention-seekers, devourers

Of children’s souls, carpets, disappearances, children, possessions.

 

Leeches that feast on us and grow bolder

And taller as we shrink and degenerate.

Is that why you gave me life and baptised me

So I could be yours, entirely, so you could belong

To me forevermore, so you would survive and thrive

At the cost of my life, that you gave me, indebted to

You, always, holding it over my head, like a curse,

That you brought upon us all, mine, mine, mine,

What you give you can take away, as you please,

I was not supposed to have autonomy and agency

According to your ways, you wanted me to abdicate

All my powers to you and suffocate under your regime

And kiss your feet for having given me life and

Hold your hand as if you entered sainthood.

adult back view beach calmness
Photo by Tatiana on Pexels.com

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