You took advantage of every second that
I did not love myself, in fact wanted to hurt
Myself, by choosing you, being close to you,
For a moment or two, idealising who you were,
Then I demonised you, and now what?
There were so many times when I felt the
Urge to run away from you, no, actually
Just scream in your face, for once, doing
What I really wanted with you, not bowing
To your desires and deforming my own,
Forcing them into submission.
When my body said no
I said yes to you.
We never knew each other at all.
We just thought we did because we
Knew our worst selves, exposed them to
Each other, we slithered through the
Cracks of darkness, touched each other
There, in chains, our own, pretending
To be free like that, secretive, forbidden.
There was a little girl within me
That got hurt in indescribable ways,
Led by old hands into traps that she
Couldn’t snap out of easily and you
Saw that, you felt it, you took it,
Further, what an easy prey, she already
Knows what she’s doing, a bad girl, you thought,
Tasty, and I thought that that was all I was too,
Just a naughty little girl immune to the stings
Of fire, the misleading hands, the foreign lust,
Unmentionable, nameless, immune.
I put myself in your hands.
I was taught that I should want
Someone like you.
Conditioned to believe that all I ever
Deserved would be you within me,
Emptying me, using my body,
And I learned well to pretend and lie
To myself that I was enjoying myself,
The way you made my body feel
Numb and exhausted, nauseous,
Stuffed, overruled and exchangeable,
Reusable.
I had given up on love.
I squeezed myself into that
Mould that my body lost the
Battle against.
I could barely breathe with
My perfect hair, perfect make-up,
Perfect masquerade, blood-red lipstick.
You didn’t care about that at all.
You just wanted to grab that little girl by the throat
And she thought that she was in control.
You did this with your own hands, girl.
That means that you wanted to do this.
And it is okay, but you cannot talk about it.
That’s not fun, then everything would be over.
What a good girl you are, doing it just right.
See, how happy you make me?
Croque-Melpomene 
Powerful piece expressing:
the Angler Fish lulling
to numb discernment to a blur of a mumble
with SHINY, and then more toxins,
SHINY, and then more mentor/tormentor,
though moving more and more at each step
in each moment to the Tormentor
that distorts
one of the primary,
healthy,
navigational tools we have:
fear.
Kidnapping fear,
that which naturally alerts us to danger.
Fear, uncut and natural,
is a healthy thing.
It’s anxiety that’s the problem,
Creates false receptors,
The Mentor-miss of the Tormentor targeting.
I felt in the piece healthy fear
being kidnapped
with bait-and-switch ironies
that are more so intense lies
kidnapping fear and with anxiety
to torture it
pushing on triggers
to transform-distort fear
into being afraid.
All that hoopy sidesteps
That vulnerability
is the sacred birthplace of courage.
And, with the perspective you express,
I am hoping you played exeunt stage left
to the 2 Narcissistic Sociopaths
Who played you with ProjectIve Identity
and Psychological Projection,
and you are no longer numb,
have viscerally vibrant and verdant experiences
to draw upon to now protect yourself?
Everyone is good at something.
And, both of those people,
the more recent,
and the past abuser grooving the “that’s the way it is” pattern fiction…
Is it naive that I like to see the good in everyone? Even in those two?
No, that’s not where this response ends up.
Not naive.
I like to see the good in everyone,
And, I bet they’re both good at something.
Actually, I’m beyond certain
they are
Good at something.
They’re both good at being dicks.
I’ll close my response with a quote from James Lane Allen:
“Adversity does not build character. It reveals it.”
It sounds like your character is intense and strong and aware. Keep up the great wrk in your poetry and in life.
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WOW!!! What a response, Jordan. And what a fish you picked out. 😀 The Angler Fish always fascinated and scared me.
I read and reread what you wrote and there is so much truth in it. I loved it. And in contrast to popular belief, this is so so true: “vulnerability is the sacred birthplace of courage”. YES!
You know exactly what I’m talking about. And the words you use to describe everything are spot on. Sharp reader. Thank you for writing this.
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You’re most welcome, Croque. You’re most welcome. I had a similar 2-year long experience. Indelible was a word, until I took it my own hands afterwards with myself.
Glad I was able to resonate and express useful truth. 🙂 THis kind of expo Erie center can be a killer. Glad you weathered and washed up on your own shore after the storm broke, or you broke the storm.
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“ expo Erie center” ??? AutoCorrect often makes me write things I didn’t Nintendo. Didn’t proofread that one out. 🙂 Please substitute, “This kind of experiential pain can be a killer.” Shaking head at Autocorrect.
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“Glad you weathered and washed up on your own shore after the storm broke, or you broke the storm.” That’s an image to remember. Beautiful. The word “indelible” made me think. It’s worse if you are the only person who knows, feels and is aware of these traces because they are invisible and the ones that seem to recognise them are not there to make it better. It’s a playground for them. People tend to disregard a lot of things that they cannot see. And yet, are these traces really that invisible? “Indelible”, yes, that will make me think for a while. Don’t get me started on AutoCorrect. 😀 That was funny. Oh yes, the Angler Fish is not to be underestimated. I also liked what you said about fear and anxiety. Lots of food for thought, thanks.
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🙂 You’re most welcome. Agreed on the “invisibility.” More like denial or looking away from discomfort?
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Unfortunately, that sounds about right. Could that kind of behaviour invalidate a friendship?
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That’s a great question.
I ill say, if unchecked, and the person won’t get the help they need, then it feels like friendship may have been invalidated before it started.
“Behind you, 100%. Stay in there and keep on pitching” does have its limits, governed by healthy boundaries and how self-serving that person is… from my perspective.
Undying or eternal love stems from love that was robustly alive and reciprocal in the 1st place?
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A friendship with the dynamic of one person being on top and the other on the bottom. Any upward move from the one on the bottom must be arrested from the one on top for obvious reasons. This energy remains a taboo subject that neither of them talks about, but both feel it to their advantage or disadvantage. I mean, a lot of people, in order to stay on top, feel the need to avoid all kinds of “negativity” and put all their energies into being 100% “positive” at all times. So what happens if something judged as “negative” is expressed in a healthy liberating way through words and the person on top refuses to interact with it and trivialises it? Feels robotic, superficial, disconnected and inhumane to me. That’s not “positive” at all as a matter of fact.
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Yes! And, There are NO taboo subjects among friends. No top and bottom. If there are, they must be balanced into an indelible tattoo kind of agreement, lest their be no epic spiral of healthy giving and receiving in reciprocality.
When people need to stay on top so to speak, to shame, to demean, to remain the one in control, that feels me that imbalance has presented itself.
Avoiding positivity or negativity are both unhealthy moves. I say to implement Nature. It has weather. It knows no malice or punitive anything. It knows no celebration or accolades. It simply is. Now, that said, I DO NOT interact with neither of either. I am not Nature. A close approximation at times, though certainly intensely human.
When the person on top or bottom, either one or both, refuses to interact with NOT trivializing ANYTHING, there’s imbalance in need of being addressed from my perspective.
The “robotic” you speak of frankly expresses what presents when one or the other is trivialized AND responds/not responds such that only ONE of them is responding, and one is at best reactive.
I’ll add a quote from my recent “Stress Isn’t the Issue” blog for you to chew on… and of course spit out if you have no resonance with it:
“As soon as as you concern yourself with the ‘good’ or ‘bad’ of your fellows, you create an opening in your heart for maliciousness to enter. Testing, competing with, and criticizing others weakens and defeats you.“ ~ Morihei Ueshiba
I will also say that for healthy perspective from my perspective, there is a Both/And quality that is necessary for healthy relationships rather than an Either/Or.
Both/And, and Morihei Ueshiba’s words? What do you think/feel?
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“There” not “their.” Effin Autocorrect.
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I share your standpoint. Good quote as well. I mean, teenagers feel in extremes (either/or) but then everything (hopefully) becomes more balanced at some point and can turn into a both/and. Of course, there are a lot of adults behaving like children and unfortunately a lot of children forced to behave like adults. Makes we wonder. Human beings are very complex and multi-faceted. I think it is important to keep things moving because that’s natural in every way possible. I appreciate your response, Jordan, very interesting indeed.
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Thank you, Croque. I appreciate having such quality work to comment on here.
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And, the Angler Fish are not these little Guppies or distorted Bass. I recently found out they are often up to 6-feet long. Quite a menace of a Loki-logic trickster they can be when presenting through a partner, if one is not already aware of the possibility.
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