You took advantage of every second that
I did not love myself, in fact wanted to hurt
Myself, by choosing you, being close to you,
For a moment or two, idealising who you were,
Then I demonised you, and now what?
There were so many times when I felt the
Urge to run away from you, no, actually
Just scream in your face, for once, doing
What I really wanted with you, not bowing
To your desires and deforming my own,
Forcing them into submission.
When my body said no
I said yes to you.
We never knew each other at all.
We just thought we did because we
Knew our worst selves, exposed them to
Each other, we slithered through the
Cracks of darkness, touched each other
There, in chains, our own, pretending
To be free like that, secretive, forbidden.
There was a little girl within me
That got hurt in indescribable ways,
Led by old hands into traps that she
Couldn’t snap out of easily and you
Saw that, you felt it, you took it,
Further, what an easy prey, she already
Knows what she’s doing, a bad girl, you thought,
Tasty, and I thought that that was all I was too,
Just a naughty little girl immune to the stings
Of fire, the misleading hands, the foreign lust,
Unmentionable, nameless, immune.
I put myself in your hands.
I was taught that I should want
Someone like you.
Conditioned to believe that all I ever
Deserved would be you within me,
Emptying me, using my body,
And I learned well to pretend and lie
To myself that I was enjoying myself,
The way you made my body feel
Numb and exhausted, nauseous,
Stuffed, overruled and exchangeable,
I had given up on love.
I squeezed myself into that
Mould that my body lost the
I could barely breathe with
My perfect hair, perfect make-up,
Perfect masquerade, blood-red lipstick.
You didn’t care about that at all.
You just wanted to grab that little girl by the throat
And she thought that she was in control.
You did this with your own hands, girl.
That means that you wanted to do this.
And it is okay, but you cannot talk about it.
That’s not fun, then everything would be over.
What a good girl you are, doing it just right.
See, how happy you make me?