He became a rock in a thunderstorm
Because you vanished like pebbles in
The vastness of a wishful thinking pool.
Your rottenness had been so overt that
He became your counterpart, through you
He became good. I thought you came to me in
The red flag and the white.
One with caresses, the other with heaps.
I was convinced that caresses could never be
A bad thing. They didn’t hurt immediately.
They had echoes. Getting louder and louder
As my body grew older, as more hands touched
My skin. They had a language that had to be
Decrypted. I thought you loved me, I thought
That was it and maybe you did, the only way you
Knew how, the only way you were taught,
I lay in bed with your demons, my brain wanting me to survive,
Telling me to get comfortable, speaking of halos, the battlecries
Drowning within my body.
He tightened his grasp around my jaw
And cursed me, or he didn’t come home,
Or he had never been there, never looking
At me as I spoke, walking away with my voice
Talking at the back of his head, chasing me around
The house, the cardio violence, to get me, shout and
Hit, hit and run, instilling fear into my texture.
I thought he must have been the devil, obvious,
Cards on the table.
I understood that one emotion can contain another,
One bothered by another, one taking up more space
Than the other, one counteracting another, trying to love
Whilst suffering, trying to love whilst incompetent, always
Losing to the inherited instincts of destruction, love remaining
Abstract, unreachable, not enactable, love transferred through
The languages they already spoke, mastered and defeated.
Take it or leave it landed on my skin.