I remember the entitlement in your severe face.
The way you stared at me, speechless intimidation.
Sucking on your dry cigarette, proud and detached.
I cut you off because of my mistakes, because I suffered
From your heartlessness. I thought that I knew best how
To punish myself for what I did. I annihilated our friendship.
We had never been a good fit. I resented you for being a tyrant.
And you abhorred my sensitivity, vulnerability, I couldn’t live with
That. You never learned, never softened, none of us let the other in.
I left you alone, dealing with my conscience on my own.
You’d never know how I felt about you. You always needed
To win, that was your thing. Not mine. I didn’t feel in those terms.
I won’t justify my actions. You always thought that you were perfect
And I cannot blame you. I never found the right words to tell you
What a cold-hearted asshole you were. I never had the courage.
We were brought up very differently. Everything humane about me
You considered a weakness, a flaw, never to be exposed, to be eradicated.
I wouldn’t let you trample all over me, the endless walk of shame, the
Silence you used as punishment, that suffocating gaze of yours forcing
Everyone into submission. I had enough of it.
Maybe, deep down, I screwed up to have an overt reason to leave.
I don’t know. We all do foolish things when we’re young but
You could never admit a fault of your own.
You never understood what you felt like to other people.
Nobody would ever dare to tell you.
And you never asked yourself why.