She stumbled into a straitjacket and I let her go.
We stopped listening to each other and hit one wall
After another. I realised that she had never been the
Person that I heard in my head. She herself had no idea
Who she really was. We had always been amputated from
One another. I hadn’t felt it before. I looked at her and everything
Felt bitter, spoiled and liberated.
From the beginning she had embodied a memory.
Words to find their specific constellations.
Colours on the wall ready to fade into the past.
Letters that would never make it to an address.
I run away from you in my own body, your voice.
Your smile made me smile once, now it aches underneath my skin.
Conversations never reached an end, silence devoured us whole.
We’d never make it through our own mistakes.
Never realised, apologised, we were merciless and speechless.
I know that I’m easily misunderstood, that I had my moments of
Confusion and disorientation. And you bought into that old game,
You used both the nails and the hammer.
We’d never find each other again, I waited until the boat
Filled up with old water, long enough to see us both go
And vanish into who we really were. I let your perfume sink.
I shed your touch on my skin. The colours of your lipsticks
Drowned with the senseless words we spoke, the lies we told
Ourselves and the world about us. This is what freedom felt like.
Turning my back on you, feeling lighter and full of pain.
We were resolute.
For the first time we walked our own
Truths without uttering a single word.
I’d never know what happened
To you. I’d never want to know.
We took from each other until
We had nothing left to give and everything to lose.
I should have known that we had an end
When I started to perform for you
Instead of revealing who I really was.
I couldn’t, I didn’t know then and neither
We created our own stage and pretended,
Hand in hand,
Once erected it irrevocably started to fall apart.