Chapters without goodbyes

It didn’t do any good. Crying after you.

Persuading you that he’d make you disintegrate.

Maybe it was partially my fault.

I believed in the lie myself.

I wasn’t stronger.


You wanted us both to jump or lose me somewhere on the way.

Cover up your tracks.

I idealised you. There had never been any room for you

To be human. To be yourself. I never let you in.

I kept us distanced with all of my boundaries.

But then I’d let us burn.


It’d never make sense.

I always saw the person I wanted to see.

I wanted to believe in. And I understand your anger.

The impossibility to match. The supposedly not being good enough.


Maybe I had been so bored by all the people I met

Including you. Staring into their phones, getting drunk,

Nothing else seemed to matter in their sick insular bubbles.

You were a pretender and I was a projector.

Seemed perfect for a while. In our youths.


We would never last, we didn’t have it in us.

The facade I covered you with started to rot and your silence

Was full of accusations, unsaid, internal magma that I never

Got to hear. And the jolly infiltrators found you and you became

A lost cause. I don’t know how to remember you.


I left you behind and yet, there’s that laughter, that

Young woman, unblemished, herself, before I started to dream.

And everything escalated once we opened our mouths.

woman inside the car
Photo by emre keshavarz on

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