When she gave herself to him,
All eyes were on her, scrutinising the
Movements of her tongue, the sound of her words.
Judgement incarcerated her, her freedom slipped
Away from her. The pressure ejected from their faces
Was too much to handle. Trapped between two extremes.
She couldn’t find out who she was.
They observed her body closely.
Her desires and how she portrayed herself.
She was on her own and was older,
Their gaze started to terrify her, their antagonising bond.
She lived for herself and they bullied her into compliance.
Everything she did attached itself to guilt and shame.
And within her body, unfamiliar raging voices started to surface.
They managed to mutilate her sense of self-ownership.
Showcased her sexuality, scandalised it, twisted its head.
And she thought that she was a monster.
Everything she did to discover who she was
Was forced into a corner and set afire.
She would feel too small to own her sexuality.
Her body under a magnifying glass, she crumbled and fell apart.
The voices that became louder
Harassed her, blamed her and she lost
Her power within toxic dynamics.
She internalised the harsh tones, the war songs against her.
She applied them to herself to stop them from doing it.
All she craved was peace and isolation.
Ridding herself of everything that made her grow.
“In Erwartung” by Albert von Keller (1844-1920)