When I look back at all the roles I chose and played, some of them imposed, I am partially irritated and predominantly compassionate. There are times I like to look back on, and also times that make me want to run away. The shoe didn’t fit most of the time, and occasionally it took several months or years until I stopped walking in it and threw it away. I always crave to go back to the girl I have been from the very beginning; she knew who she was and could not be deterred – until it happened anyhow, but she does exist and I’m looking for her. I want to pick her up, was it me, was it him, was it them who had discarded her? Maybe the lot of us.
She had been hiding behind all the faces that I put on her, over her, suffocating her pores. I scavenged through so many identities, I had to go back to my roots, to the woman I wanted to be, to someone I could look at in the mirror and smile and I needed her by my side. These artifices were shallow and shallow is one thing that I am absolutely not. I have substance. The masks disintegrated, people came and I left, I digressed and evolved, fell on my real face and steered toward new horizons continuously.
She has my voice. She has my spine. She has her own world, her imagination, her values and ideals and she is uncompromising. I look up to her and I’m reconnecting all the dots. I shed my skin and show my face and I’m fully there. I have established my stolen boundaries, I treasure my energy, I am very selective about the people I let into my personal life and I throw myself only into opportunities and relationships that are a genuine source of uplifting love, life-affirming regeneration, spiritual creativity and empathetic reciprocity. Those are my terms. I will not bow to anything less.
I would not say that I’ve wasted time with certain people, certain ideas, certain routines or whatnot, where would that lead me? I’m on the constructive, recycling and reconstructive side. I have learned all my lessons and I will keep doing just that. I have made good use of all of them. That’s where I got me and they didn’t.
What irritates me the most, but had to go through it to get here, is that I compromised my values and energy for a long period in my youth. I exchanged them for checkmating demons, for narcissistic vampires and destructive silhouettes. What had been full I emptied. I threw away my morals and integrity. I fell into paralysing marshlands, and wrestled with my guilt and bad conscience until I reached the point where I had to make a decision: drag myself further into the deepest hole of self-pity and self-flagellation until I would stop breathing or get myself together, acknowledge my life’s choices, do better in the future, regain who I truly was and act accordingly and most importantly forgive myself because everybody errs and nobody has a clean vest. What counts is that we evolve and learn and not condemn ourselves or others to death.
“Reverie / In the Days of Sappho” by John William Godward (1861-1922)